A wise woman once told me: “If you really want to know what someone is like, you should divorce them.” That chick was right. I thought my ex was a little nutty, and then I left him. I believe some shit may have literally hit the fan. Glad I wasn’t there to see that.
(sidenote: you should know that “awesome friend” and I refer to my ex as “Elvis”. No he can’t sing, dance, and doesn’t have a ton of money…however the chance that he dies on the toilet is pretty high. I’ve seen that part of him, it’s not pretty. Elvis earned his nickname when, prior to us separating, he told one of my friends that he just “couldn’t picture [my smoking hot wife] sexually anymore since she had [amazing kid].” Pricilla I feel your pain. Seriously.)
Some days I have to remind myself that paying (so far) THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS in attorney’s fees and having the divorce drag on for (going on) five months is worth it. Here are some things I’ve noticed since Elvis has left the building:
1. I lost the cap to the toothpaste a week ago. No one has bitched about it once.
2. Last night I got to cut the chip bag. No one bitched. I’ll elaborate. You know when you are eating chips and you get down to the bottom of the bag? Well I hate sticking my hand down in the bag because it gets greasy…so I cut the bag to make in shorter. Wha-La! No greasy hands! No, no…not with Elvis. There was no cutting the bag, even if you planned on finishing the aforementioned bag.(not that I’ve ever finished and entire bag of chips in one sitting…)
3. Not one person has called me stupid, to my face, in over a month.
4. I think my crazy pills actually work now.
5. I got to donate to NPR. Yes, I’m a dork…but I wasn’t allowed to do it before.
6. Last month “amazing kid” dropped and entire bottle of hot pink nail polish on the floor. It went all over the kitchen. No one freaked and “awesome friend” said “don’t clean the floor too much or that spot will look cleaner than the rest of the floor.”
So I guess paying 3,000 dollars, not being able to buy a house, having to borrow my parent’s car, and being in more debt than I have ever been in is worth it. Because this bitch is cutting EVERY chip bag she gets from now on.