May 08 2012
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Life, Love

Play ball


 

Today is the day I have been waiting for. My divorce papers are being filed this morning. I have to admit, though I have no doubts about my decision, it has been rather bittersweet. I don’t like to lose or fail at things. You think I’d be used to it by now…I’ve done it enough…but something about losing just pisses me off.

I love sports, especially baseball, so for several months I have referred to my failed marriage as “striking out”. However, last night I realized that analogy sucks. When you strike out you have to go back in the dugout, your turn is over, and damn it, my turn is NOT over. So, I’ve amended my analogy. Getting a divorce is like hitting a foul ball. One of those long, foul balls that looks like it’s going to be a fair, awesome hit then veers off into the stands. It’s disappointing, but your turn is not over. You can get right back up to the plate, and God willing, at least hit a single next time.

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May 04 2012
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Life, Love

My Own Fight Club


Chuck Palahniuk is a genius:

Visual Aid

If you don’t read his books you are probably at least familiar with this:

Just an excuse to put up a picture of Brad Pitt and Edward Norton

In Fight Club Palahniuk writes: “It’s only after you’ve lost everything,” Tyler says, “that you’re free to do anything.”  I’ve read this book three times now. I know I’ve read that quote the other two times I read the book (i can tell because the pages weren’t stuck together and I generally don’t skip pages in books), but before it never meant anything to me.

At this point in my life I have no car, house, money….ummmm…pretty much nothing. (although according to the “division of property” form Elvis filled out I do get “one slotted spoon and one solid spoon”, so all is not lost). I should be at the bottom of the barrell, depressed to the point of sleeping all day and showering once a week (at best), but I’m not. I really do feel free. Like for the first time in a long time I really can do anything. Odd, huh?

So thank you Mr. Palahniuk. Thank you for putting into words the way I feel. You rule.

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May 03 2012
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Elvis has left the building….well kind of…


A wise woman once told me: “If you really want to know what someone is like, you should divorce them.” That chick was right. I thought my ex was a little nutty, and then I left him. I believe some shit may have literally hit the fan. Glad I wasn’t there to see that.

(sidenote: you should know that “awesome friend” and I refer to my ex as “Elvis”. No he can’t sing, dance, and doesn’t have a ton of money…however the chance that he dies on the toilet is pretty high. I’ve seen that part of him, it’s not pretty. Elvis earned his nickname when, prior to us separating, he told one of my friends that he just “couldn’t picture [my smoking hot wife] sexually anymore since she had [amazing kid].” Pricilla I feel your pain. Seriously.)

Some days I have to remind myself that paying (so far) THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS in attorney’s fees and having the divorce drag on for (going on) five months is worth it. Here are some things I’ve noticed since Elvis has left the building:

1. I lost the cap to the toothpaste a week ago. No one has bitched about it once.

2. Last night I got to cut the chip bag. No one bitched. I’ll elaborate. You know when you are eating chips and you get down to the bottom of the bag? Well I hate sticking my hand down in the bag because it gets greasy…so I cut the bag to make in shorter. Wha-La! No greasy hands! No, no…not with Elvis. There was no cutting the bag, even if you planned on finishing the aforementioned bag.(not that I’ve ever finished and entire bag of chips in one sitting…)

3. Not one person has called me stupid, to my face, in over a month.

4. I think my crazy pills actually work now.

5. I got to donate to NPR. Yes, I’m a dork…but I wasn’t allowed to do it before.

6. Last month “amazing kid” dropped and entire bottle of hot pink nail polish on the floor. It went all over the kitchen. No one freaked and “awesome friend” said “don’t clean the floor too much or that spot will look cleaner than the rest of the floor.”

So I guess paying 3,000 dollars, not being able to buy a house, having to borrow my parent’s car, and being in more debt than I have ever been in is worth it. Because this bitch is cutting EVERY chip bag she gets from now on.

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Apr 18 2012
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Life

It’s Official


Well people it’s official. I’ve gone international. Even the Canadians are on board and following my blog. I’m only one (very huge) step away from internet stardom.

It would be awesome if you shared my blog, not because I am a shameless attention whore, but so that when I’m famous you can say “Hey I followed her blog back in 2012.” You’ll sound so cool…like when I say “I used to listen to Ludacris when he was ‘Chris Lova-Lova’”.

I’m always looking out for you.

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Apr 17 2012
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Life, Love

Advice from The Seven


In college I was fortunate enough the meet some girls that I still hang out with today. They are some of my closest friends, I’ll refer to them as “the seven” (Because there are seven of us, not because that’s a super cool name).  I spent some of the wildest, poorest decision making times of my life, with these awesome ladies. Luckily for society they have become classier, luckily for you I have not.

I learned several pieces of advice from these girls that I will now impart to you.

One: Tan fat is better than white fat.

Lather up, pay your monthly dues and get your fat ass in the tanning bed.

Two: The tanning bed can cure a hangover too.

The entire place my smell like tequila but you will feel better.

Three: old ass is easy ass.

Sad, but true. If you’ve been there before it’s not a challenge to go back…and sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes it’s not. I really don’t have an opinion on this. I think it’s more a case-by-case situation. First you must determine if the “old ass” is worth getting again, no sense going down an already traveled mediocre road. However, if you’re playing the “numbers game” this is a way to cheat.

Four: Size matters

Whether your talking about your waist line or…well..you know. It matters. Don’t let anyone fool you. If you’re lacking you need to get some hidden talents. Boys, don’t be fooled, girls will talk about it if you’re a Thumbalina or a Toddler Arm.

Five: REAL friends are there no matter what.

Good times, bad times, divorces, weddings, that 3am phone call for bail money… if someone is really your friend they don’t just hang around for the good stuff.

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Apr 13 2012
2 Comments
Life

disappointing things


1. Hearing that Marc Antony is going to be on TV and picturing Enrique Inglesias.

Yes….

Not so much…

2. Bad sex with someone you really though was going to be good.

3. Unrequited love. Yes, Charlie Brown I feel your pain.

4. People who think i listen to my voice mail. I don’t. I’m sorry.

5. Finding out you have a surprise and making it better in your head that it ever could be. This is the story of my life. Seriously. I love a surprise, just don’t tell me I have a surprise.

You will get me this:

I will have pictured this:

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Apr 13 2012
1 Comment
Life

People of action


Sorry I’ve been so slack lately. I’d like to say that I’ve been busy solving the world’s problems, but really the cat ate the “q” key off my keyboard and I’ve been at a loss as to how I was going to type anything. I finally realized that not only does the “q” still work, I never use that letter anyway. So, here I am.

I’ve recently discovered that the phrase “actions speak louder than words” is in fact very true. This little colloquialism is especially true if your actions suck.  We’re all guilty of having actions that don’t reconcile with what we say, I get that. I don’t want to be held to everything I’ve ever said, hell I’m getting a divorce, I don’t even want to be held to marriage vows I made. However, word of advice: lying makes you look like a douche bag.

I’m off that soap box. I have another, much more entertaining post, I’ll put up later today…this was just to help you make it through Friday morning. (and look, not one “q” in that entire post…well…maybe one).

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Mar 21 2012
4 Comments
Life, Love

Too Soon?


Generally I’m the one handing out profound advice, but I come seeking advice from you dear readers…

How soon is too soon to let a new person you’re dating know how fucking nuts you really are? Do you gauge by how you feel? Dates? Dinners purchased?

How do you tell this new fly in the web (I mean boyfriend) about your mental illnesses (I mean odd quirks)? I’m thinking it might be overboard to leave your mood stabilizing medications on the counter when they come to pick you up for a date, but that could cut to the chase. I’m not ashamed of my mood stabilizers, and frankly, you shouldn’t be either, because off of them I’m bat-shit crazy, but any advice on how to handle breaking it to someone new that I’m a nut bag would be appreciated,

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Mar 09 2012
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Attention Whore


I’ve had some request from my adoring public to create a Facebook page related to my blog. Apparently Facebook is easier to navigate for some people than WordPress. Since I’m a total attention whore I will comply with this request.

The page is a work in progress…so there’s nothing too great there, yet.

Go to https://www.facebook.com/iignoreredflags#  and “like” me. You know you want to.

 

Mar 04 2012
3 Comments
Life

PSA


I like to give out free advice. I figure since I’ve made some rather uninformed decisions I should impart all of my wisdom onto others. Here you go, Happy Sunday.

1. Glitter is the herpes of crafts. If you use it once it will never leave you.

2. If it’s got a penis it’s going to cause you problems. I used to say if it’s got testicles or tires it’s going to cause you problems, but since then I have met boys with only one testicle; still a problem. So I adjusted the phrase.

3. Literally means something REALLY happened. So if the shit literally hit the fan, you need to take a shower.

4. Don’t change who you are for anyone. Changing your behavior is one thing, changing who you are at your core is totally different. If you try to change who you are at the core you will fail and be miserable.

5.If you have to stand on a chair to yell at someone, you should probably NOT try to fight them.

6.You don’t necessarily have to have all of your eggs in one basket, but it’s best not to have them spread all over the farm.

Who ends at number 6? This girl right here.

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